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Top 10 Celebrity Cannabis Lines We Wish Existed by David Wallach

This article originally appeared in Volume 5, Edition 3 print edition of Cannabis & Tech Today

Oh 2023, the year that…fill in the blank. It has somehow managed to check boxes we didn’t even know existed and it just keeps going. It’s like watching Avatar 2, you know there has to be an end, but we just can’t quite see it yet. 

Every year about this time, we write the “Top 10 Celebrity Cannabis Lines We Wish Existed.”  To be honest, for the amount of money I make writing this stuff, it would have been easy for AI to take it from here. There’s so much to choose from, but this year it almost writes itself. Without further ado (it’s a French word, look it up) — here they are.

Jim Jordan’s Joints

Starts strong, but after every hit it loses potency until there is almost nothing left but blowing out hot air. Jordan’s Joints are made from old-school growing traditions that have been developed for centuries but have had some problems as of late and may not be worth the attention.

AOCannabis

It’s a younger strain that at first glance seems to have everything a person would want, but use caution — this is a very volatile weed that hasn’t matured quite yet. AOCannabis has been known to make people tone deaf and cause blindness or random stupidity. Some people who have used AOCannabis have been known to blabber on without any self-control or thought. Grab it now before it’s canceled, er, um, no longer available.

McConnell’s Marijuana

An old-school buzz that has seen better days. McConnell’s Marijuana is one of the strongest strains on the market but has been known to be too strong, leaving people in a state of complete paralysis, slobbering, and unable to communicate at all. Get it while you can; McConnell’s Marijuana is about to disappear forever.

Santos Sativa

This is a silly little hybrid plant, er, edible, tincture? Maybe a gummy … it is really hard to nail down what this strain exactly is or does. It claims to be all things to all people, but the packaging and what consumers actually get are vastly different. It’s a little weed that may or may not be cannabis, or a Life Saver, or a brand of socks — or a fishing pole? 

Kelce’s Candies

These gummies are everywhere! This aspirational little gummy fills your heart with romance and sweet songs. People can’t quite put their finger on it, but somehow Kelce’s Candies have single-handedly saved the gummy market. Some people worry about the overexposure of this highly hyped gummy, and that consumers may break up with Kelce’s Candies, like the lyrics of a Top 40 pop song.

Aaron Rodgers Reefer

One hit and you’re done. Lots of hype went into the marketing of this strange little weed, which has a good history, but users who tried it recently said it’s not what it used to be and burns out quickly.

Wrexham Weed

Celebrity owned by Ryan Reynolds and “That Other Guy,” Wrexham Weed comes to us from Wales and is a well-funded and surprising little plant that makes you feel like anything is possible no matter how much the cards are stacked against you. It will get you high no matter what and it won’t stop until you sit back, smile, and feel like cheering “Goalllll!”.

Gauff’s Gummies

The product of the year! Gauff’s Gummies are a game changer. Just when we thought we had seen it all, these gummies will put a smile on your face, a pep in your step, and give you an overall uplifting feeling that anything is possible and yes, dreams are worth having. This uplifting edible burns bright and has an exciting future in the industry. 

Bezos’ Buds

When you don’t want to give a fuck about anything but yourself and desire to disappear into your own dream world, Bezos’ Buds are exactly what you need. You can have them delivered immediately to your door and after a few hits your mind will wander off to a place where only you and your needs matter. Some side effects include infidelity, a Napoleon complex, and not allowing friends to go to the bathroom. But hey, it’s not about them with Bezos’ Buds, it’s your world, and the rest are all just day players.

Quan’s Concentrates

Thirty-eight years ago, Quan’s Concentrates were a huge hit and then they slowly left the spotlight, mostly ignored. Today, Quan’s Concentrates are everything everywhere all at once and the world is a better place for it. Quan’s Concentrates come in a short, round, little package, and give people profound spiritual strength and youthful joy that has been missing for almost four decades.

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